ARKCODEX
Meditations
1From my grandfather Verus I learned gentleness and freedom from anger.
2From the reputation and memory of my father, I learned to be modest and manly.
3From my mother I learned reverence for the divine and generosity. I learned to refrain not only from doing harm but from even thinking of it. I learned to live simply. I learned to stay far from the ways of the rich.
4From my great-grandfather I learned to avoid public schools. I learned to employ excellent teachers at home. I learned that on such things one must spend freely.
5From my tutor I learned to take no side in the circus races. Not the Greens. Not the Blues. Not the gladiators or the charioteers. From him I learned to endure hardship and want little. To do my own work and mind my own business. To shut my ears to slander.
6From Diognetus I learned to avoid empty pursuits. To distrust what is claimed by wonder-workers and sorcerers about incantations and the banishing of spirits and such things. Not to keep fighting quails or get swept up in those crazes. To tolerate frank speech. To embrace philosophy. To study first with Baccheius, then with Tandasis and Marcianus. To write dialogues as a boy. To desire a simple cot and animal skin and whatever else belongs to the Greek way of training.
7From Rusticus I learned to recognize that my character needed correction and care. I learned not to be seduced by sophistic display. Not to write treatises on abstract theories. Not to deliver little speeches of exhortation. Not to play the ascetic or the man of action in ways designed to impress. I learned to give up rhetoric and poetry and fine language. Not to walk around the house in formal robes or do such things. To write letters simply. Like the one he himself wrote to my mother from Sinuessa. I learned to be ready to welcome back those who have lost their temper or done wrong. To be quick to reconcile the moment they wish to return. To read with precision. Not to be satisfied with a superficial understanding. Not to agree too quickly with those who talk glibly. I learned to study the discourses of Epictetus. He gave me a copy from his own library.
8From Apollonius I learned to be free. To never waver or leave anything to chance. To fix my attention on reason alone. Not even for a moment on anything else. To remain the same person always. In sharp pain. In the loss of a child. In long illness. From this living example I saw clearly that a man can be both intensely serious and completely relaxed. I learned never to show irritation when explaining things. I saw a man who clearly considered his skill and expertise in teaching to be the least of his gifts. I learned how to receive apparent favors from friends. Neither diminished by accepting them. Nor ungracious in letting them pass.
9From Sextus I learned kindness. And the example of a household guided by a father's hand. And the meaning of living according to nature. And dignity without pretense. And care for friends that sees what they truly need. And patience with ordinary people. And tolerance for those who speak without thinking. His manner suited everyone he met. His conversation was warmer than flattery. Yet in that very moment, those same people felt the deepest respect for him. He could grasp and systematically discover and organize the principles essential for life. He never showed even a trace of anger or any other passion. He was at once the most tranquil of men and the most affectionate. He spoke well of others without fanfare. He carried vast learning without display.
10From Alexander the grammarian I learned to avoid harsh criticism. Never shame those who speak with foreign accents, grammatical errors, or awkward phrasing. Instead, offer the correct expression skillfully. Work it into your reply. Or voice your agreement. Or discuss the subject itself rather than the wording. Or find some other graceful way to suggest the proper form.
11From Fronto I learned to recognize the spite, the cunning, and the hypocrisy that come with tyranny. I learned that those we call patricians are often lacking in natural affection.
12From Alexander the Platonist I learned not to say often or without necessity to anyone in speech or letter that I am too busy. I learned not to use this excuse to constantly avoid my duties to those I live among. I learned not to hide behind pressing circumstances.
13From Catulus I learned not to dismiss a friend's complaint. Even if the complaint is unreasonable, I must try to restore the relationship to its natural state. I learned to speak of my teachers with wholehearted praise. As he did when remembering Domitius and Athenodotus. And to love my children with a love that is true.
14From my brother Severus I learned to love family, truth, and justice. Through him I came to know Thrasea, Helvidius, Cato, Dio, and Brutus. Through him I formed a vision of a state governed by equal laws. A commonwealth administered with fairness and free speech. A monarchy that honors above all else the freedom of its subjects. From him also I learned to be steady and consistent in valuing philosophy. To be generous and give freely without hesitation. To remain hopeful. To trust that my friends truly love me. To be open with those I disapprove of. To be so clear that my friends never need to guess what I want or do not want.
15From Maximus I learned to master myself and never be swept away by impulse. To stay cheerful through every hardship and through illness. To have a character perfectly balanced—gentle yet dignified. To accomplish what needed doing without complaint. Everyone believed that he meant what he said. Everyone trusted that his actions were honorable. He was never astonished or overwhelmed. Never rushed or hesitant or at a loss. Never dejected or falsely cheerful. Never angry or suspicious. He was generous and forgiving and honest. He gave the impression of someone naturally upright rather than someone reformed. No one ever felt looked down upon by him. Yet no one would dare consider himself superior to him. And his wit was graceful.
16From my father I learned gentleness. I learned to hold firm to decisions made after careful examination. I learned indifference to empty honors. I learned to work hard and persist. I learned to listen to anyone with something useful to offer. I learned to give each person exactly what they deserve. I learned when to press hard and when to ease off. I learned to end his pursuit of young men. I learned practical wisdom. I learned to let friends skip dinner invitations or travel obligations without consequence. Those who stayed behind for business always found him unchanged when they returned. I learned to probe thoroughly in council meetings and persist until the matter was settled. He never abandoned an inquiry just because the easy answer seemed good enough. I learned to keep friends close without growing bored or obsessive. I learned self-sufficiency in all things. I learned cheerfulness. I learned to plan far ahead and manage even small details without drama. Under his rule, public acclamations and flattery were suppressed. I learned to guard what the empire truly needed. I learned to manage resources carefully. I learned to endure criticism for such economy. I learned to avoid superstition toward the gods and pandering toward the people. No crowd-pleasing. No cheap popularity. Instead: sober judgment in everything. Steady. Never tasteless. Never chasing novelty. I learned to use life's comforts without arrogance or apology. Fortune had provided abundance. He enjoyed what was present without affectation. He felt no need for what was absent. No one could call him a showoff or a homespun clown or a pedant. They called him a mature man. Complete. Immune to flattery. Able to govern himself and others. Beyond this, he honored genuine philosophers. He never scorned the others or let them manipulate him. He was pleasant and gracious without excess. He cared for his body in proper measure. Not clinging to life. Not vain about appearance. Not careless either. His own attention kept him healthy. He rarely needed doctors or medicines or treatments. Above all, he yielded without envy to those with special talents. Eloquence. Knowledge of history or law or customs. He actively supported them so each could shine in their own strength. He followed ancestral traditions in everything. Yet he never made a show of following tradition. He did not flit from place to place or project to project. He stayed put. He stayed focused. After his headaches passed, he returned to work immediately. Fresh. Sharp. He kept few secrets. What secrets he kept were rare and always concerned public matters alone. He showed wisdom and restraint in sponsoring games, constructing buildings, distributing funds, and similar duties. He looked only to what needed doing. Never to the glory that might follow. He did not bathe at odd hours. He did not obsess over construction projects. He was not fussy about food or fabric or color or physical beauty. His robe came up from the country villa at Lorium. He usually wore a simple tunic at Lanuvium. At Tusculum, when an attendant apologized for a shabby cloak, he wore it anyway. This was his way in everything. Nothing harsh. Nothing inflexible. Nothing rushed. No one ever said he drove himself to a sweat. Everything was thought through calmly. As if he had all the time in the world. Untroubled. Orderly. Vigorous. Consistent. What they said about Socrates fit him perfectly: he could abstain and he could enjoy. Most people are too weak to abstain and too soft to enjoy properly. To stay strong through both. To remain clear-headed in either case. This belongs to a man with a balanced and unconquered soul. As he showed during the illness of Maximus.
17From the gods I received good grandparents. Good parents. A good sister. Good teachers. Good household members, relatives, and friends—nearly all of them. I never stumbled into wronging any of them. Yet I had a temperament that might have done so, given the chance. It was the gods' kindness that no combination of circumstances arose to expose me. I was not raised too long in my grandfather's mistress's house. I preserved my youth. I did not become a man before my time. I even delayed it further. I was placed under an emperor and father who would strip away all my vanity. He brought me to understand that one can live at court without needing bodyguards, elaborate robes, torches, statues, or any such display. One can draw in close to the life of a private citizen. This does not make a person less capable or less diligent in matters requiring a ruler's attention. I was given a brother whose character could rouse me to care for myself. He delighted me with his respect and affection. My children were not born dull or deformed in body. I did not advance too far in rhetoric, poetry, and other pursuits. These might have absorbed me had I felt myself making easy progress. I raised my guardians to the honors they seemed to desire without delay. I did not put it off, thinking I would do it later when they were still young. I came to know Apollonius, Rusticus, and Maximus. I received clear and frequent impressions of what life according to nature truly is. So far as the gods are concerned—their gifts, their help, their inspiration—nothing prevents me from living according to nature now. That I still fall short is my own fault. I fail to hold onto the reminders, the near-teachings, from the gods. My body held up this long through such a life. I never touched Benedicta or Theodotus. Later, when I fell into erotic passions, I recovered. Though I was often angry with Rusticus, I never did anything I would have regretted. My mother, though fated to die young, spent her final years with me. Whenever I wished to help someone in poverty or need, I never heard that I lacked the funds to do it. I myself never fell into such need as to require help from another. My wife is as she is—so obedient, so loving, so simple. I found capable guardians for my children. Through dreams I received remedies. Among them: how not to spit blood and how not to suffer dizzy spells. This came like an oracle at Caieta. When I longed for philosophy, I did not fall in with some sophist. I did not sit down to write treatises, analyze syllogisms, or busy myself with celestial speculations. All these things require the help of gods and fortune. Written among the Quadi, at the Granua.