ARKCODEX
Act I, Scene 1
1Windsor. Before Page’s house.
2Enter Justice Shallow, Slender, and Sir Hugh Evans.
3Justice ShallowHotly. Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star Chamber matter of it; if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
4SlenderNodding. In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace, and “coram.”
5Justice ShallowAy, cousin Slender, and “cust-alorum.”
6SlenderAy, and “rato-lorum” too; and a gentleman born, Master Parson, who writes himself “armigero” in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation—“armigero.”
7Justice ShallowAy, that I do; and have done any time these three hundred years.
8SlenderAll his successors, gone before him, hath done’t; and all his ancestors, that come after him, may: they may give the dozen white luces in their coat.
9Justice ShallowProudly. It is an old coat.
10Sir Hugh EvansThe dozen white louses do become an old coat well; it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and signifies love.
11Justice ShallowColdly. The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.
12SlenderI may quarter, coz?
13Justice ShallowYou may, by marrying.
14Sir Hugh EvansIt is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
15Justice ShallowNot a whit.
16Sir Hugh EvansYes, py’r lady! If he has a quarter of your coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures; but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and compromises between you.
17Justice ShallowThe Council shall hear it; it is a riot.
18Sir Hugh EvansIt is not meet the Council hear a riot; there is no fear of Got in a riot; the Council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot; take your vizaments in that.
19Justice ShallowHa! o’ my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it.
20Sir Hugh EvansIt is petter that friends is the sword and end it; and there is also another device in my prain, which peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master George Page, which is pretty virginity.
21SlenderMistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks small like a woman.
22Sir Hugh EvansIt is that fery person for all the ’orld, as just as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon his death’s-bed—Got deliver to a joyful resurrections!—give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
23Justice ShallowDid her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?
24Sir Hugh EvansAy, and her father is make her a petter penny.
25Justice ShallowI know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.
26Sir Hugh EvansSeven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot gifts.
27Justice ShallowWell, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?
28Sir Hugh EvansShall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is false; or as I despise one that is not true. The knight Sir John is there; and, I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master Page. Knocks. What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
29PageWithin. Who’s there?
30Sir Hugh EvansHere is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings.
31Enter Page.
32PageI am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.
33Justice ShallowMaster Page, I am glad to see you; much good do it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page?—and I thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.
34PageSir, I thank you.
35Justice ShallowSir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
36PageI am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
37SlenderHow does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall.
38PageIt could not be judged, sir.
39SlenderYou’ll not confess, you’ll not confess.
40Justice ShallowThat he will not: ’tis your fault; ’tis your fault. ’Tis a good dog.
41PageA cur, sir.
42Justice ShallowSir, he’s a good dog, and a fair dog; can there be more said? he is good, and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?
43PageSir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you.
44Sir Hugh EvansIt is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
45Justice ShallowHe hath wronged me, Master Page.
46PageSir, he doth in some sort confess it.
47Justice ShallowIf it be confessed, it is not redressed: is not that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he hath;—at a word, he hath—believe me; Robert Shallow, esquire, saith he is wronged.
48PageHere comes Sir John.
49Enter Sir John Falstaff, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol.
50FalstaffNow, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to the King?
51Justice ShallowKnight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge.
52FalstaffBut not kiss’d your keeper’s daughter?
53Justice ShallowTut, a pin! this shall be answered.
54FalstaffI will answer it straight: I have done all this. That is now answered.
55Justice ShallowThe Council shall know this.
56Falstaff’Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: you’ll be laughed at.
57Sir Hugh EvansPauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.
58FalstaffGood worts! good cabbage! Slender, I broke your head; what matter have you against me?
59SlenderMarry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. They carried me to the tavern, and made me drunk, and afterwards picked my pocket.
60BardolphYou Banbury cheese! He draws his sword.
61SlenderAy, it is no matter.
62PistolHow now, Mephostophilus! He also draws.
63SlenderFaintly. Ay, it is no matter.
64NymPricks him with his sword. Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! That’s my humour.
65SlenderDesperate. Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
66Sir Hugh EvansComes between them. Peace, I pray you. The three withdraw. Now let us understand. Takes out notebook. There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand: writes that is—Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.
67PageWe three to hear it and end it between them.
68Sir Hugh EvansFery goot: I will make a prief of it in my notebook; and we will afterwards ’ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can. He writes again.
69FalstaffPistol!
70PistolHe hears with ears.
71Sir Hugh EvansLooks up. The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, “He hears with ear”? Why, it is affectations.
72FalstaffPistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse?
73SlenderAy, by these gloves, did he—or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else!—of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and two pence apiece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
74FalstaffIs this true, Pistol?
75Sir Hugh EvansNo, it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
76PistolHa, thou mountain-foreigner!—Sir John and master mine,
I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
Word of denial in thy labras here!
Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest.
77SlenderBy these gloves, then, ’twas he. Pointing at Nym.
78NymBe avised, sir, and pass good humours; I will say “marry trap” with you, if you run the nuthook’s humour on me; that is the very note of it.
79SlenderBy this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
80FalstaffWhat say you, Scarlet and John?
81BardolphWhy, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
82Sir Hugh EvansIt is his “five senses”; fie, what the ignorance is!
83BardolphAnd being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier’d; and so conclusions passed the careires.
84SlenderAy, you spake in Latin then too; but ’tis no matter; I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick; if I be drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
85Sir Hugh EvansSo Got ’udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
86FalstaffYou hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
87Enter Anne Page with wine; Mistress Ford and Mistress Page following.
88PageNay, daughter, carry the wine in; we’ll drink within.
89Exit Anne Page.
90SlenderO heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.
91PageHow now, Mistress Ford!
92FalstaffMistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met; by your leave, good mistress. Kissing her.
93PageWife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
94Exeunt all but Justice Shallow, Slender, and Sir Hugh Evans.
95SlenderI had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here.
96Enter Simple.
97How, Simple! Where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you, have you?
98SimpleBook of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas?
99Justice ShallowCome, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. Taking him by the arm. A word with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as ’twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here: do you understand me?
100SlenderAy, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I shall do that that is reason.
101Justice ShallowNay, but understand me.
102SlenderSo I do, sir.
103Sir Hugh EvansAt his other side. Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will description the matter to you, if you be capacity of it.
104SlenderNay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says; I pray you pardon me; he’s a justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here.
105Sir Hugh EvansBut that is not the question; the question is concerning your marriage.
106Justice ShallowAy, there’s the point, sir.
107Sir Hugh EvansMarry is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.
108SlenderWhy, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands.
109Sir Hugh EvansBut can you affection the ’oman? Let us command to know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth: therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid?
110Justice ShallowCousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
111SlenderI hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason.
112Sir Hugh EvansNay, Got’s lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards her.
113Justice ShallowThat you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?
114SlenderI will do a greater thing than that upon your request, cousin, in any reason.
115Justice ShallowNay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?
116SlenderI will marry her, sir, at your request; but if there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and have more occasion to know one another; I hope upon familiarity will grow more contempt. But if you say “Marry her,” I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
117Sir Hugh EvansIt is a fery discretion answer; save, the fall is in the ’ort “dissolutely:” the ’ort is, according to our meaning, “resolutely.” His meaning is good.
118Justice ShallowAy, I think my cousin meant well.
119SlenderAy, or else I would I might be hanged, la!
120Justice ShallowHere comes fair Mistress Anne.
121Reenter Anne Page.
122He bows. Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!
123Anne PageCurtsies. The dinner is on the table; my father desires your worships’ company.
124Justice ShallowI will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne!
125Sir Hugh EvansHurries in. Od’s plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.
126Exeunt Justice Shallow and Sir Hugh Evans.
127Anne PageTo Slender. Will’t please your worship to come in, sir?
128SlenderSimpering. No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.
129Anne PageThe dinner attends you, sir.
130SlenderI am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. To Simple. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow.
131Exit Simple.
132A justice of peace sometime may be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? Yet I live like a poor gentleman born.
133Anne PageI may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come.
134SlenderI’ faith, I’ll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did.
135Anne PageImpatient. I pray you, sir, walk in.
136SlenderI had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes—and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i’ the town?
137Anne PageI think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.
138SlenderI love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not?
139Anne PageAy, indeed, sir.
140SlenderThat’s meat and drink to me now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the chain; but I warrant you, the women have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed; but women, indeed, cannot abide ’em; they are very ill-favoured rough things.
141Reenter Page.
142PageCome, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.
143SlenderI’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
144PageBy cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come. He stands aside to let him pass in.
145SlenderNay, pray you lead the way.
146PageGoing in. Come on, sir.
147SlenderBegins to follow but then turns. Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
148Anne PageNot I, sir; pray you keep on.
149SlenderTruly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do you that wrong.
150Anne PageKeeps behind him. I pray you, sir.
151SlenderI’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong indeed, la!He goes in.
152Exeunt.