ARKCODEX
Act IV, Scene 5
1A room in the Garter Inn.
2Enter Host and Simple.
3HostWhat wouldst thou have, boor? What, thick-skin? Speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
4SimpleMarry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstaff from Master Slender.
5HostPoints. There’s his chamber, his house, his castle, his standing-bed and truckle-bed; ’tis painted about with the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Go knock and call; he’ll speak like an Anthropophaginian unto thee; knock, I say.
6SimpleThere’s an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into his chamber; I’ll be so bold as stay, sir, till she come down; I come to speak with her, indeed.
7HostHa! a fat woman? The knight may be robbed. I’ll call. Bully knight! Bully Sir John! Speak from thy lungs military. Art thou there? It is thine host, thine Ephesian, calls.
8FalstaffAbove. How now, mine host?
9HostHere’s a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down of thy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let her descend; my chambers are honourible. Fie! privacy? fie!
10Enter Falstaff.
11FalstaffThere was, mine host, an old fat woman even now with, me; but she’s gone.
12SimplePray you, sir, was’t not the wise woman of Brainford?
13FalstaffAy, marry was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?
14SimpleMy master, sir, my Master Slender, sent to her, seeing her go thorough the streets, to know, sir, whether one Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had the chain or no.
15FalstaffI spake with the old woman about it.
16SimpleAnd what says she, I pray, sir?
17FalstaffMarry, she says that the very same man that beguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him of it.
18SimpleI would I could have spoken with the woman herself; I had other things to have spoken with her too, from him.
19FalstaffWhat are they? Let us know.
20HostAy, come; quick.
21SimpleI may not conceal them, sir.
22FalstaffThreatening him. Conceal them, or thou diest.
23SimpleWhy, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress Anne Page: to know if it were my master’s fortune to have her or no.
24Falstaff’Tis, ’tis his fortune.
25SimpleWhat sir?
26FalstaffTo have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.
27SimpleMay I be bold to say so, sir?
28FalstaffAy, Sir Tike; like who more bold?
29SimpleI thank your worship; I shall make my master glad with these tidings.
30Exit Simple.
31HostThou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Was there a wise woman with thee?
32FalstaffAy, that there was, mine host; one that hath taught me more wit than ever I learned before in my life; and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid for my learning.
33Enter Bardolph, mired and breathless.
34BardolphOut, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!
35HostWhere be my horses? Speak well of them, varletto.
36BardolphRun away, with the cozeners; for so soon as I came beyond Eton, they threw me off, from behind one of them, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away, like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
37HostThey are gone but to meet the Duke, villain; do not say they be fled; Germans are honest men.
38Enter Sir Hugh Evans.
39Sir Hugh EvansWhere is mine host?
40HostWhat is the matter, sir?
41Sir Hugh EvansHave a care of your entertainments: there is a friend of mine come to town tells me there is three cozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts of Readins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you for good will, look you; you are wise, and full of gibes and vlouting-stogs, and ’tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.
42Exit Sir Hugh Evans.
43Enter Doctor Caius.
44Doctor CaiusVere is mine host de Jarteer?
45HostHere, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.
46Doctor CaiusI cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you make grand preparation for a Duke de Jamany. By my trot, dere is no duke that the court is know to come; I tell you for good will: Adieu.
47Exit Doctor Caius.
48HostHue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight; I am undone. Fly, run, hue and cry, villain; I am undone!
49Exeunt Host and Bardolph.
50FalstaffI would all the world might be cozened, for I have been cozened and beaten too. If it should come to the ear of the court how I have been transformed, and how my transformation hath been washed and cudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor fishermen’s boots with me; I warrant they would whip me with their fine wits till I were as crestfallen as a dried pear. I never prospered since I forswore myself at primero. Well, if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
51Enter Mistress Quickly.
52Now! whence come you?
53Mistress QuicklyFrom the two parties, forsooth.
54FalstaffThe devil take one party and his dam the other! And so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered more for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of man’s disposition is able to bear.
55Mistress QuicklyAnd have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant; speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.
56FalstaffWhat tellest thou me of black and blue? I was beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the action of an old woman, delivered me, the knave constable had set me i’ the stocks, i’ the common stocks, for a witch.
57Mistress QuicklySir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, that you are so crossed.
58FalstaffCome up into my chamber.
59Exeunt.