ARKCODEX
Act I, Scene 3
1Olivia’shouse.
2Enter Sir Toby Belch and Maria.
3Sir TobyWhat a plague means my niece, to take the death of her brother thus? I am sure care’s an enemy to life.
4MariaBy my troth, Sir Toby, you must come in earlier o’ nights: your cousin, my lady, takes great exceptions to your ill hours.
5Sir TobyWhy, let her except, before excepted.
6MariaAy, but you must confine yourself within the modest limits of order.
7Sir TobyConfine! I’ll confine myself no finer than I am: these clothes are good enough to drink in; and so be these boots too: an they be not, let them hang themselves in their own straps.
8MariaThat quaffing and drinking will undo you: I heard my lady talk of it yesterday; and of a foolish knight that you brought in one night here to be her wooer.
9Sir TobyWho, Sir Andrew Aguecheek?
10MariaAy, he.
11Sir TobyHe’s as tall a man as any’s in Illyria.
12MariaWhat’s that to the purpose?
13Sir TobyWhy, he has three thousand ducats a year.
14MariaAy, but he’ll have but a year in all these ducats: he’s a very fool and a prodigal.
15Sir TobyFie, that you’ll say so! he plays o’ the viol-de-gamboys, and speaks three or four languages word for word without book, and hath all the good gifts of nature.
16MariaHe hath indeed, almost natural: for besides that he’s a fool, he’s a great quarreller; and but that he hath the gift of a coward to allay the gust he hath in quarrelling, ’tis thought among the prudent he would quickly have the gift of a grave.
17Sir TobyBy this hand, they are scoundrels and substractors that say so of him. Who are they?
18MariaThey that add, moreover, he’s drunk nightly in your company.
19Sir TobyWith drinking healths to my niece: I’ll drink to her as long as there is a passage in my throat and drink in Illyria: he’s a coward and a coystrill that will not drink to my niece till his brains turn o’ the toe like a parish-top. What, wench! Castiliano vulgo! for here comes Sir Andrew Agueface.
20Enter Sir Andrew Aguecheek.
21Sir AndrewSir Toby Belch! how now, Sir Toby Belch!
22Sir TobySweet Sir Andrew!
23Sir AndrewBless you, fair shrew.
24MariaAnd you too, sir.
25Sir TobyAccost, Sir Andrew, accost.
26Sir AndrewWhat’s that?
27Sir TobyMy niece’s chambermaid.
28Sir AndrewGood Mistress Accost, I desire better acquaintance.
29MariaMy name is Mary, sir.
30Sir AndrewGood Mistress Mary Accost—
31Sir TobyYou mistake, knight: “accost” is front her, board her, woo her, assail her.
32Sir AndrewBy my troth, I would not undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of “accost”?
33MariaFare you well, gentlemen.
34Sir TobyAn thou let part so, Sir Andrew, would thou mightst never draw sword again.
35Sir AndrewAn you part so, mistress, I would I might never draw sword again. Fair lady, do you think you have fools in hand?
36MariaSir, I have not you by the hand.
37Sir AndrewMarry, but you shall have; and here’s my hand.
38MariaNow, sir, “thought is free:” I pray you, bring your hand to the buttery-bar and let it drink.
39Sir AndrewWherefore, sweet-heart? what’s your metaphor?
40MariaIt’s dry, sir.
41Sir AndrewWhy, I think so: I am not such an ass but I can keep my hand dry. But what’s your jest?
42MariaA dry jest, sir.
43Sir AndrewAre you full of them?
44MariaAy, sir, I have them at my fingers’ ends: marry, now I let go your hand, I am barren. Exit.
45Sir TobyO knight, thou lackest a cup of canary: when did I see thee so put down?
46Sir AndrewNever in your life, I think; unless you see canary put me down. Methinks sometimes I have no more wit than a Christian or an ordinary man has: but I am a great eater of beef and I believe that does harm to my wit.
47Sir TobyNo question.
48Sir AndrewAn I thought that, I’ld forswear it. I’ll ride home to-morrow, Sir Toby.
49Sir TobyPourquoi, my dear knight?
50Sir AndrewWhat is “pourquoi”? do or not do? I would I had bestowed that time in the tongues that I have in fencing, dancing and bear-baiting: O, had I but followed the arts!
51Sir TobyThen hadst thou had an excellent head of hair.
52Sir AndrewWhy, would that have mended my hair?
53Sir TobyPast question; for thou seest it will not curl by nature.
54Sir AndrewBut it becomes me well enough, does’t not?
55Sir TobyExcellent; it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off.
56Sir AndrewFaith, I’ll home to-morrow, Sir Toby: your niece will not be seen; or if she be, it’s four to one she’ll none of me: the count himself here hard by woos her.
57Sir TobyShe’ll none o’ the count: she’ll not match above her degree, neither in estate, years, nor wit; I have heard her swear’t. Tut, there’s life in’t, man.
58Sir AndrewI’ll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o’ the strangest mind i’ the world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether.
59Sir TobyArt thou good at these kickshawses, knight?
60Sir AndrewAs any man in Illyria, whatsoever he be, under the degree of my betters; and yet I will not compare with an old man.
61Sir TobyWhat is thy excellence in a galliard, knight?
62Sir AndrewFaith, I can cut a caper.
63Sir TobyAnd I can cut the mutton to’t.
64Sir AndrewAnd I think I have the back-trick simply as strong as any man in Illyria.
65Sir TobyWherefore are these things hid? wherefore have these gifts a curtain before ’em? are they like to take dust, like Mistress Mall’s picture? why dost thou not go to church in a galliard and come home in a coranto? My very walk should be a jig; I would not so much as make water but in a sink-a-pace. What dost thou mean? Is it a world to hide virtues in? I did think, by the excellent constitution of thy leg, it was formed under the star of a galliard.
66Sir AndrewAy, ’tis strong, and it does indifferent well in a flame-coloured stock. Shall we set about some revels?
67Sir TobyWhat shall we do else? were we not born under Taurus?
68Sir AndrewTaurus! That’s sides and heart.
69Sir TobyNo, sir; it is legs and thighs. Let me see the caper; ha! higher: ha, ha! excellent! Exeunt.