ARKCODEX
Act I, Scene 5
1Olivia’shouse.
2Enter Maria and Clown.
3MariaNay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter in way of thy excuse: my lady will hang thee for thy absence.
4ClownLet her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours.
5MariaMake that good.
6ClownHe shall see none to fear.
7MariaA good lenten answer: I can tell thee where that saying was born, of “I fear no colours.”
8ClownWhere, good Mistress Mary?
9MariaIn the wars; and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
10ClownWell, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents.
11MariaYet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or, to be turned away, is not that as good as a hanging to you?
12ClownMany a good hanging prevents a bad marriage; and, for turning away, let summer bear it out.
13MariaYou are resolute, then?
14ClownNot so, neither; but I am resolved on two points.
15MariaThat if one break, the other will hold; or, if both break, your gaskins fall.
16ClownApt, in good faith; very apt. Well, go thy way; if Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve’s flesh as any in Illyria.
17MariaPeace, you rogue, no more o’ that. Here comes my lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best. Exit.
18ClownWit, an’t be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits, that think they have thee, do very oft prove fools; and I, that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man: for what says Quinapalus? “Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.”
19Enter Lady Olivia with Malvolio.
20God bless thee, lady!
21OliviaTake the fool away.
22ClownDo you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady.
23OliviaGo to, you’re a dry fool; I’ll no more of you: besides, you grow dishonest.
24ClownTwo faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend himself; if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the botcher mend him. Any thing that’s mended is but patched: virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin; and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If that this simple syllogism will serve, so; if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true cuckold but calamity, so beauty’s a flower. The lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away.
25OliviaSir, I bade them take away you.
26ClownMisprision in the highest degree! Lady, cucullus non facit monachum; that’s as much to say as I wear not motley in my brain. Good madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.
27OliviaCan you do it?
28ClownDexterously, good madonna.
29OliviaMake your proof.
30ClownI must catechize you for it, madonna: good my mouse of virtue, answer me.
31OliviaWell, sir, for want of other idleness, I’ll bide your proof.
32ClownGood madonna, why mournest thou?
33OliviaGood fool, for my brother’s death.
34ClownI think his soul is in hell, madonna.
35OliviaI know his soul is in heaven, fool.
36ClownThe more fool, madonna, to mourn for your brother’s soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen.
37OliviaWhat think you of this fool, Malvolio? doth he not mend?
38MalvolioYes, and shall do till the pangs of death shake him: infirmity, that decays the wise, doth ever make the better fool.
39ClownGod send you, sir, a speedy infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no fox; but he will not pass his word for two pence that you are no fool.
40OliviaHow say you to that, Malvolio?
41MalvolioI marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he’s out of his guard already; unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest, I take these wise men, that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than the fools’ zanies.
42OliviaO, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless and of free disposition, is to take those things for bird-bolts that you deem cannon-bullets: there is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man, though he do nothing but reprove.
43ClownNow Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speakest well of fools!
44Reenter Maria.
45MariaMadam, there is at the gate a young gentleman much desires to speak with you.
46OliviaFrom the Count Orsino, is it?
47MariaI know not, madam: ’tis a fair young man, and well attended.
48OliviaWho of my people hold him in delay?
49MariaSir Toby, madam, your kinsman.
50OliviaFetch him off, I pray you; he speaks nothing but madman: fie on him! Exit Maria. Go you, Malvolio: if it be a suit from the count, I am sick, or not at home; what you will, to dismiss it. Exit Malvolio. Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it.
51ClownThou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool; whose skull Jove cram with brains! for—here he comes—one of thy kin has a most weak pia mater.
52Enter Sir Toby.
53OliviaBy mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, cousin?
54Sir TobyA gentleman.
55OliviaA gentleman! what gentleman?
56Sir Toby’Tis a gentle man here—a plague o’ these pickle-herring! How now, sot!
57ClownGood Sir Toby!
58OliviaCousin, cousin, how have you come so early by this lethargy?
59Sir TobyLechery! I defy lechery. There’s one at the gate.
60OliviaAy, marry, what is he?
61Sir TobyLet him be the devil, an he will, I care not: give me faith, say I. Well, it’s all one. Exit.
62OliviaWhat’s a drunken man like, fool?
63ClownLike a drowned man, a fool and a mad man: one draught above heat makes him a fool; the second mads him; and a third drowns him.
64OliviaGo thou and seek the crowner, and let him sit o’ my coz; for he’s in the third degree of drink, he’s drowned: go, look after him.
65ClownHe is but mad yet, madonna; and the fool shall look to the madman. Exit.
66Reenter Malvolio.
67MalvolioMadam, yond young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, lady? he’s fortified against any denial.
68OliviaTell him he shall not speak with me.
69MalvolioHas been told so; and he says, he’ll stand at your door like a sheriff’s post, and be the supporter to a bench, but he’ll speak with you.
70OliviaWhat kind o’ man is he?
71MalvolioWhy, of mankind.
72OliviaWhat manner of man?
73MalvolioOf very ill manner; he’ll speak with you, will you or no.
74OliviaOf what personage and years is he?
75MalvolioNot yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy; as a squash is before ’tis a peascod, or a codling when ’tis almost an apple: ’tis with him in standing water, between boy and man. He is very well-favoured and he speaks very shrewishly; one would think his mother’s milk were scarce out of him.
76OliviaLet him approach: call in my gentlewoman.
77MalvolioGentlewoman, my lady calls. Exit.
78Reenter Maria.
79OliviaGive me my veil: come, throw it o’er my face.
We’ll once more hear Orsino’s embassy.
80Enter Viola, and Attendants.
81ViolaThe honourable lady of the house, which is she?
82OliviaSpeak to me; I shall answer for her. Your will?
83ViolaMost radiant, exquisite and unmatchable beauty—I pray you, tell me if this be the lady of the house, for I never saw her: I would be loath to cast away my speech, for besides that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very comptible, even to the least sinister usage.
84OliviaWhence came you, sir?
85ViolaI can say little more than I have studied, and that question’s out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest assurance if you be the lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech.
86OliviaAre you a comedian?
87ViolaNo, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you the lady of the house?
88OliviaIf I do not usurp myself, I am.
89ViolaMost certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself; for what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve. But this is from my commission: I will on with my speech in your praise, and then show you the heart of my message.
90OliviaCome to what is important in’t: I forgive you the praise.
91ViolaAlas, I took great pains to study it, and ’tis poetical.
92OliviaIt is the more like to be feigned: I pray you, keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates, and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you than to hear you. If you be not mad, be gone; if you have reason, be brief: ’tis not that time of moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.
93MariaWill you hoist sail, sir? here lies your way.
94ViolaNo, good swabber; I am to hull here a little longer. Some mollification for your giant, sweet lady. Tell me your mind: I am a messenger.
95OliviaSure, you have some hideous matter to deliver, when the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.
96ViolaIt alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no taxation of homage: I hold the olive in my hand; my words are as full of peace as matter.
97OliviaYet you began rudely. What are you? what would you?
98ViolaThe rudeness that hath appeared in me have I learned from my entertainment. What I am, and what I would, are as secret as maidenhead; to your ears, divinity, to any other’s, profanation.
99OliviaGive us the place alone: we will hear this divinity. Exeunt Maria and Attendants. Now, sir, what is your text?
100ViolaMost sweet lady—
101OliviaA comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it. Where lies your text?
102ViolaIn Orsino’s bosom.
103OliviaIn his bosom! In what chapter of his bosom?
104ViolaTo answer by the method, in the first of his heart.
105OliviaO, I have read it: it is heresy. Have you no more to say?
106ViolaGood madam, let me see your face.
107OliviaHave you any commission from your lord to negotiate with my face? You are now out of your text: but we will draw the curtain and show you the picture. Look you, sir, such a one I was this present: is’t not well done? Unveiling.
108ViolaExcellently done, if God did all.
109Olivia’Tis in grain, sir; ’twill endure wind and weather.
110Viola’Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
Nature’s own sweet and cunning hand laid on:
Lady, you are the cruell’st she alive,
If you will lead these graces to the grave
And leave the world no copy.
111OliviaO, sir, I will not be so hard-hearted; I will give out divers schedules of my beauty: it shall be inventoried, and every particle and utensil labelled to my will: as, item, two lips, indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent hither to praise me?
112ViolaI see you what you are, you are too proud;
But, if you were the devil, you are fair.
My lord and master loves you: O, such love
Could be but recompensed, though you were crown’d
The nonpareil of beauty!
113OliviaHow does he love me?
114ViolaWith adorations, fertile tears,
With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.
115OliviaYour lord does know my mind; I cannot love him:
Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,
Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;
In voices well divulged, free, learn’d and valiant;
And in dimension and the shape of nature
A gracious person: but yet I cannot love him;
He might have took his answer long ago.
116ViolaIf I did love you in my master’s flame,
With such a suffering, such a deadly life,
In your denial I would find no sense;
I would not understand it.
117OliviaWhy, what would you?
118ViolaMake me a willow cabin at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house;
Write loyal cantons of contemned love
And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
Halloo your name to the reverberate hills
And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out “Olivia!” O, You should not rest
Between the elements of air and earth,
But you should pity me!
119OliviaYou might do much.
What is your parentage?
120ViolaAbove my fortunes, yet my state is well:
I am a gentleman.
121OliviaGet you to your lord;
I cannot love him: let him send no more;
Unless, perchance, you come to me again,
To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well:
I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.
122ViolaI am no fee’d post, lady; keep your purse:
My master, not myself, lacks recompense.
Love make his heart of flint that you shall love;
And let your fervour, like my master’s, be
Placed in contempt! Farewell, fair cruelty. Exit.
123Olivia“What is your parentage?”
“Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
I am a gentleman.” I’ll be sworn thou art;
Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions and spirit,
Do give thee five-fold blazon: not too fast: soft, soft!
Unless the master were the man. How now!
Even so quickly may one catch the plague?
Methinks I feel this youth’s perfections
With an invisible and subtle stealth
To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.
What ho, Malvolio!
124Reenter Malvolio.
125MalvolioHere, madam, at your service.
126OliviaRun after that same peevish messenger,
The county’s man: he left this ring behind him,
Would I or not: tell him I’ll none of it.
Desire him not to flatter with his lord,
Nor hold him up with hopes; I am not for him:
If that the youth will come this way to-morrow,
I’ll give him reasons for’t: hie thee, Malvolio.
127MalvolioMadam, I will. Exit.
128OliviaI do I know not what, and fear to find
Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.
Fate, show thy force: ourselves we do not owe;
What is decreed must be, and be this so. Exit.