ARKCODEX
Act III, Scene 3
1A street.
2Enter Dogberry and Verges with the Watch.
3DogberryAre you good men and true?
4VergesYea, or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation, body and soul.
5DogberryNay, that were a punishment too good for them, if they should have any allegiance in them, being chosen for the prince’s watch.
6VergesWell, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry.
7DogberryFirst, who think you the most desartless man to be constable?
8First WatchHugh Otecake, sir, or George Seacole; for they can write and read.
9DogberryCome hither, neighbour Seacole. God hath blessed you with a good name: to be a well-favoured man is the gift of fortune; but to write and read comes by nature.
10Second WatchBoth which, master constable—
11DogberryYou have: I knew it would be your answer. Well, for your favour, sir, why, give God thanks, and make no boast of it; and for your writing and reading, let that appear when there is no need of such vanity. You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch; therefore bear you the lantern. This is your charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man stand, in the prince’s name.
12Second WatchHow, if a’ will not stand?
13DogberryWhy, then, take no note of him, but let him go; and presently call the rest of the watch together and thank God you are rid of a knave.
14VergesIf he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the prince’s subjects.
15DogberryTrue, and they are to meddle with none but the prince’s subjects. You shall also make no noise in the streets; for for the watch to babble and to talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.
16WatchWe will rather sleep than talk: we know what belongs to a watch.
17DogberryWhy, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman; for I cannot see how sleeping should offend: only have a care that your bills be not stolen. Well, you are to call at all the ale-houses, and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.
18WatchHow if they will not?
19DogberryWhy, then, let them alone till they are sober: if they make you not then the better answer, you may say they are not the men you took them for.
20WatchWell, sir.
21DogberryIf you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man; and, for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them, why, the more is for your honesty.
22WatchIf we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?
23DogberryTruly, by your office, you may; but I think they that touch pitch will be defiled: the most peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him show himself what he is and steal out of your company.
24VergesYou have been always called a merciful man, partner.
25DogberryTruly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man who hath any honesty in him.
26VergesIf you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to the nurse and bid her still it.
27WatchHow if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?
28DogberryWhy, then, depart in peace, and let the child wake her with crying; for the ewe that will not hear her lamb when it baes will never answer a calf when he bleats.
29Verges’Tis very true.
30DogberryThis is the end of the charge:—you, constable, are to present the prince’s own person: if you meet the prince in the night, you may stay him.
31VergesNay, by’r lady, that I think a’ cannot.
32DogberryFive shillings to one on’t, with any man that knows the statutes, he may stay him: marry, not without the prince be willing; for, indeed, the watch ought to offend no man; and it is an offence to stay a man against his will.
33VergesBy’r lady, I think it be so.
34DogberryHa, ah, ha! Well, masters, good night: an there be any matter of weight chances, call up me: keep your fellows’ counsels and your own; and good night. Come, neighbour.
35WatchWell, masters, we hear our charge: let us go sit here upon the church-bench till two, and then all to bed.
36DogberryOne word more, honest neighbours. I pray you, watch about Signior Leonato’s door; for the wedding being there tomorrow, there is a great coil tonight. Adieu: be vigitant, I beseech you. Exeunt Dogberry and Verges.
37Enter Borachio and Conrade.
38BorachioWhat, Conrade!
39WatchAside. Peace! stir not.
40BorachioConrade, I say!
41ConradeHere, man; I am at thy elbow.
42BorachioMass, and my elbow itched; I thought there would a scab follow.
43ConradeI will owe thee an answer for that: and now forward with thy tale.
44BorachioStand thee close, then, under this penthouse, for it drizzles rain; and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to thee.
45WatchAside. Some treason, masters: yet stand close.
46BorachioTherefore know I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats.
47ConradeIs it possible that any villainy should be so dear?
48BorachioThou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any villainy should be so rich; for when rich villains have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what price they will.
49ConradeI wonder at it.
50BorachioThat shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is nothing to a man.
51ConradeYes, it is apparel.
52BorachioI mean, the fashion.
53ConradeYes, the fashion is the fashion.
54BorachioTush! I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?
55WatchAside. I know that Deformed; a’ has been a vile thief this seven years; a’ goes up and down like a gentleman: I remember his name.
56BorachioDidst thou not hear somebody?
57ConradeNo; ’twas the vane on the house.
58BorachioSeest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion is? how giddily a’ turns about all the hot bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty? sometime fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in the reechy painting, sometime like god Bel’s priests in the old church-window, sometime like the shaven Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?
59ConradeAll this I see; and I see that the fashion wears out more apparel than the man. But art not thou thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?
60BorachioNot so, neither: but know that I have tonight wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the name of Hero: she leans me out at her mistress’s chamber-window, bids me a thousand times good night—I tell this tale vilely:—I should first tell thee how the prince, Claudio and my master, planted and placed and possessed by my master Don John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter.
61ConradeAnd thought they Margaret was Hero?
62BorachioTwo of them did, the prince and Claudio; but the devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly by my villainy, which did confirm any slander that Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged; swore he would meet her, as he was appointed, next morning at the temple, and there, before the whole congregation, shame her with what he saw o’er night and send her home again without a husband.
63First WatchWe charge you, in the prince’s name, stand!
64Second WatchCall up the right master constable. We have here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in the commonwealth.
65First WatchAnd one Deformed is one of them: I know him; a’ wears a lock.
66ConradeMasters, masters—
67Second WatchYou’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.
68ConradeMasters—
69First WatchNever speak: we charge you let us obey you to go with us.
70BorachioWe are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken up of these men’s bills.
71ConradeA commodity in question, I warrant you. Come, we’ll obey you. Exeunt.