ARKCODEX
Act II, Scene 2
1A public place.
2Enter Antipholus of Syracuse.
3Antipholus of SyracuseThe gold I gave to Dromio is laid up
Safe at the Centaur; and the heedful slave
Is wander’d forth, in care to seek me out
By computation and mine host’s report.
I could not speak with Dromio since at first
I sent him from the mart. See, here he comes.
4Enter Dromio of Syracuse.
5How now, sir! is your merry humour alter’d?
As you love strokes, so jest with me again.
You know no Centaur? you received no gold?
Your mistress sent to have me home to dinner?
My house was at the Phoenix? Wast thou mad,
That thus so madly thou didst answer me?
6Dromio of SyracuseWhat answer, sir? when spake I such a word?
7Antipholus of SyracuseEven now, even here, not half an hour since.
8Dromio of SyracuseI did not see you since you sent me hence,
Home to the Centaur, with the gold you gave me.
9Antipholus of SyracuseVillain, thou didst deny the gold’s receipt
And told’st me of a mistress and a dinner;
For which, I hope, thou felt’st I was displeased.
10Dromio of SyracuseI am glad to see you in this merry vein:
What means this jest? I pray you, master, tell me.
11Antipholus of SyracuseYea, dost thou jeer and flout me in the teeth?
Think’st thou I jest? Hold, take thou that, and that. Beating him.
12Dromio of SyracuseHold, sir, for God’s sake! now your jest is earnest:
Upon what bargain do you give it me?
13Antipholus of SyracuseBecause that I familiarly sometimes
Do use you for my fool and chat with you,
Your sauciness will jest upon my love
And make a common of my serious hours.
When the sun shines let foolish gnats make sport,
But creep in crannies when he hides his beams.
If you will jest with me, know my aspect
And fashion your demeanour to my looks,
Or I will beat this method in your sconce.
14Dromio of SyracuseSconce call you it? so you would leave battering, I had rather have it a head: an you use these blows long, I must get a sconce for my head and insconce it too; or else I shall seek my wit in my shoulders. But, I pray, sir, why am I beaten?
15Antipholus of SyracuseDost thou not know?
16Dromio of SyracuseNothing, sir, but that I am beaten.
17Antipholus of SyracuseShall I tell you why?
18Dromio of SyracuseAy, sir, and wherefore; for they say every why hath a wherefore.
19Antipholus of SyracuseWhy, first—for flouting me; and then, wherefore—
For urging it the second time to me.
20Dromio of SyracuseWas there ever any man thus beaten out of season,
When in the why and the wherefore is neither rhyme nor reason?
Well, sir, I thank you.
21Antipholus of SyracuseThank me, sir! for what?
22Dromio of SyracuseMarry, sir, for this something that you gave me for nothing.
23Antipholus of SyracuseI’ll make you amends next, to give you nothing for something. But say, sir, is it dinnertime?
24Dromio of SyracuseNo, sir: I think the meat wants that I have.
25Antipholus of SyracuseIn good time, sir; what’s that?
26Dromio of SyracuseBasting.
27Antipholus of SyracuseWell, sir, then ’twill be dry.
28Dromio of SyracuseIf it be, sir, I pray you, eat none of it.
29Antipholus of SyracuseYour reason?
30Dromio of SyracuseLest it make you choleric and purchase me another dry basting.
31Antipholus of SyracuseWell, sir, learn to jest in good time: there’s a time for all things.
32Dromio of SyracuseI durst have denied that, before you were so choleric.
33Antipholus of SyracuseBy what rule, sir?
34Dromio of SyracuseMarry, sir, by a rule as plain as the plain bald pate of father Time himself.
35Antipholus of SyracuseLet’s hear it.
36Dromio of SyracuseThere’s no time for a man to recover his hair that grows bald by nature.
37Antipholus of SyracuseMay he not do it by fine and recovery?
38Dromio of SyracuseYes, to pay a fine for a periwig and recover the lost hair of another man.
39Antipholus of SyracuseWhy is Time such a niggard of hair, being, as it is, so plentiful an excrement?
40Dromio of SyracuseBecause it is a blessing that he bestows on beasts; and what he hath scanted men in hair he hath given them in wit.
41Antipholus of SyracuseWhy, but there’s many a man hath more hair than wit.
42Dromio of SyracuseNot a man of those but he hath the wit to lose his hair.
43Antipholus of SyracuseWhy, thou didst conclude hairy men plain dealers without wit.
44Dromio of SyracuseThe plainer dealer, the sooner lost: yet he loseth it in a kind of jollity.
45Antipholus of SyracuseFor what reason?
46Dromio of SyracuseFor two; and sound ones too.
47Antipholus of SyracuseNay, not sound, I pray you.
48Dromio of SyracuseSure ones then.
49Antipholus of SyracuseNay, not sure, in a thing falsing.
50Dromio of SyracuseCertain ones then.
51Antipholus of SyracuseName them.
52Dromio of SyracuseThe one, to save the money that he spends in tiring; the other, that at dinner they should not drop in his porridge.
53Antipholus of SyracuseYou would all this time have proved there is no time for all things.
54Dromio of SyracuseMarry, and did, sir; namely, no time to recover hair lost by nature.
55Antipholus of SyracuseBut your reason was not substantial, why there is no time to recover.
56Dromio of SyracuseThus I mend it: Time himself is bald and therefore to the world’s end will have bald followers.
57Antipholus of SyracuseI knew ’twould be a bald conclusion: But, soft! who wafts us yonder?
58Enter Adriana and Luciana.
59AdrianaAy, ay, Antipholus, look strange and frown:
Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects;
I am not Adriana nor thy wife.
The time was once when thou unurged wouldst vow
That never words were music to thine ear,
That never object pleasing in thine eye,
That never touch well welcome to thy hand,
That never meat sweet-savour’d in thy taste,
Unless I spake, or look’d, or touch’d, or carved to thee.
How comes it now, my husband, O, how comes it,
That thou art thus estranged from thyself?
Thyself I call it, being strange to me,
That, undividable, incorporate,
Am better than thy dear self’s better part.
Ah, do not tear away thyself from me!
For know, my love, as easy mayst thou fall
A drop of water in the breaking gulf
And take unmingled thence that drop again,
Without addition or diminishing,
As take from me thyself and not me too.
How dearly would it touch thee to the quick,
Shouldst thou but hear I were licentious
And that this body, consecrate to thee,
By ruffian lust should be contaminate!
Wouldst thou not spit at me and spurn at me
And hurl the name of husband in my face
And tear the stain’d skin off my harlot-brow
And from my false hand cut the wedding-ring
And break it with a deep-divorcing vow?
I know thou canst; and therefore see thou do it.
I am possess’d with an adulterate blot;
My blood is mingled with the crime of lust:
For if we two be one and thou play false,
I do digest the poison of thy flesh,
Being strumpeted by thy contagion.
Keep then fair league and truce with thy true bed;
I live unstain’d, thou undishonoured.
60Antipholus of SyracusePlead you to me, fair dame? I know you not:
In Ephesus I am but two hours old,
As strange unto your town as to your talk;
Who, every word by all my wit being scann’d,
Wants wit in all one word to understand.
61LucianaFie, brother! how the world is changed with you!
When were you wont to use my sister thus?
She sent for you by Dromio home to dinner.
62Antipholus of SyracuseBy Dromio?
63Dromio of SyracuseBy me?
64AdrianaBy thee; and this thou didst return from him,
That he did buffet thee and in his blows
Denied my house for his, me for his wife.
65Antipholus of SyracuseDid you converse, sir, with this gentlewoman?
What is the course and drift of your compact?
66Dromio of SyracuseI, sir? I never saw her till this time.
67Antipholus of SyracuseVillain, thou liest; for even her very words
Didst thou deliver to me on the mart.
68Dromio of SyracuseI never spake with her in all my life.
69Antipholus of SyracuseHow can she thus then call us by our names,
Unless it be by inspiration.
70AdrianaHow ill agrees it with your gravity
To counterfeit thus grossly with your slave,
Abetting him to thwart me in my mood!
Be it my wrong you are from me exempt,
But wrong not that wrong with a more contempt.
Come, I will fasten on this sleeve of thine:
Thou art an elm, my husband, I a vine,
Whose weakness married to thy stronger state
Makes me with thy strength to communicate:
If aught possess thee from me, it is dross,
Usurping ivy, brier, or idle moss;
Who, all for want of pruning, with intrusion
Infect thy sap and live on thy confusion.
71Antipholus of SyracuseTo me she speaks; she moves me for her theme:
What, was I married to her in my dream?
Or sleep I now and think I hear all this?
What error drives our eyes and ears amiss?
Until I know this sure uncertainty,
I’ll entertain the offer’d fallacy.
72LucianaDromio, go bid the servants spread for dinner.
73Dromio of SyracuseO, for my beads! I cross me for a sinner.
This is the fairy land: O spite of spites!
We talk with goblins, owls and sprites:
If we obey them not, this will ensue,
They’ll suck our breath or pinch us black and blue.
74LucianaWhy pratest thou to thyself and answer’st not?
Dromio, thou drone, thou snail, thou slug, thou sot!
75Dromio of SyracuseI am transformed, master, am I not?
76Antipholus of SyracuseI think thou art in mind, and so am I.
77Dromio of SyracuseNay, master, both in mind and in my shape.
78Antipholus of SyracuseThou hast thine own form.
79Dromio of SyracuseNo, I am an ape.
80LucianaIf thou art changed to aught, ’tis to an ass.
81Dromio of Syracuse’Tis true; she rides me and I long for grass.
’Tis so, I am an ass; else it could never be
But I should know her as well as she knows me.
82AdrianaCome, come, no longer will I be a fool,
To put the finger in the eye and weep,
Whilst man and master laugh my woes to scorn.
Come, sir, to dinner. Dromio, keep the gate.
Husband, I’ll dine above with you today
And shrive you of a thousand idle pranks.
Sirrah, if any ask you for your master,
Say he dines forth and let no creature enter.
Come, sister. Dromio, play the porter well.
83Antipholus of SyracuseAm I in earth, in heaven, or in hell?
Sleeping or waking? mad or well-advised?
Known unto these, and to myself disguised!
I’ll say as they say and persever so
And in this mist at all adventures go.
84Dromio of SyracuseMaster, shall I be porter at the gate?
85AdrianaAy; and let none enter, lest I break your pate.
86LucianaCome, come, Antipholus, we dine too late. Exeunt.