ARKCODEX
Act III, Scene 1
1Before the house of Antipholus of Ephesus.
2Enter Antipholus of Ephesus, Dromio of Ephesus, Angelo, and Balthazar.
3Antipholus of EphesusGood Signior Angelo, you must excuse us all;
My wife is shrewish when I keep not hours:
Say that I linger’d with you at your shop
To see the making of her carcanet
And that tomorrow you will bring it home.
But here’s a villain that would face me down
He met me on the mart and that I beat him
And charged him with a thousand marks in gold
And that I did deny my wife and house.
Thou drunkard, thou, what didst thou mean by this?
4Dromio of EphesusSay what you will, sir, but I know what I know;
That you beat me at the mart, I have your hand to show:
If the skin were parchment and the blows you gave were ink,
Your own handwriting would tell you what I think.
5Antipholus of EphesusI think thou art an ass.
6Dromio of EphesusMarry, so it doth appear
By the wrongs I suffer and the blows I bear.
I should kick, being kick’d; and, being at that pass,
You would keep from my heels and beware of an ass.
7Antipholus of EphesusYou’re sad, Signior Balthazar: pray God our cheer
May answer my good will and your good welcome here.
8BalthazarI hold your dainties cheap, sir, and your welcome dear.
9Antipholus of EphesusO, Signior Balthazar, either at flesh or fish,
A table full of welcome makes scarce one dainty dish.
10BalthazarGood meat, sir, is common; that every churl affords.
11Antipholus of EphesusAnd welcome more common; for that’s nothing but words.
12BalthazarSmall cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.
13Antipholus of EphesusAy to a niggardly host and more sparing guest:
But though my cates be mean, take them in good part;
Better cheer may you have, but not with better heart.
But soft! my door is lock’d. Go bid them let us in.
14Dromio of EphesusMaud, Bridget, Marian, Cicely, Gillian, Ginn!
15Dromio of SyracuseWithin. Mome, malt-horse, capon, coxcomb, idiot, patch!
Either get thee from the door or sit down at the hatch.
Dost thou conjure for wenches, that thou call’st for such store,
When one is one too many? Go get thee from the door.
16Dromio of EphesusWhat patch is made our porter? My master stays in the street.
17Dromio of SyracuseWithin. Let him walk from whence he came, lest he catch cold on’s feet.
18Antipholus of EphesusWho talks within there? ho, open the door!
19Dromio of SyracuseWithin. Right, sir; I’ll tell you when, and you’ll tell me wherefore.
20Antipholus of EphesusWherefore? for my dinner: I have not dined today.
21Dromio of SyracuseWithin. Nor today here you must not; come again when you may.
22Antipholus of EphesusWhat art thou that keepest me out from the house I owe?
23Dromio of SyracuseWithin. The porter for this time, sir, and my name is Dromio.
24Dromio of EphesusO villain! thou hast stolen both mine office and my name.
The one ne’er got me credit, the other mickle blame.
If thou hadst been Dromio today in my place,
Thou wouldst have changed thy face for a name or thy name for an ass.
25LuceWithin. What a coil is there, Dromio? who are those at the gate?
26Dromio of EphesusLet my master in, Luce.
27LuceWithin. Faith, no; he comes too late;
And so tell your master.
28Dromio of EphesusO Lord, I must laugh!
Have at you with a proverb—Shall I set in my staff?
29LuceWithin. Have at you with another; that’s—When? can you tell?
30Dromio of SyracuseWithin. If thy name be call’d Luce—Luce, thou hast answer’d him well.
31Antipholus of EphesusDo you hear, you minion? you’ll let us in, I hope?
32LuceWithin. I thought to have ask’d you.
33Dromio of SyracuseWithin. And you said no.
34Dromio of EphesusSo, come, help: well struck! there was blow for blow.
35Antipholus of EphesusThou baggage, let me in.
36LuceWithin. Can you tell for whose sake?
37Dromio of EphesusMaster, knock the door hard.
38LuceWithin. Let him knock till it ache.
39Antipholus of EphesusYou’ll cry for this, minion, if I beat the door down.
40LuceWithin. What needs all that, and a pair of stocks in the town?
41AdrianaWithin. Who is that at the door that keeps all this noise?
42Dromio of SyracuseWithin. By my troth, your town is troubled with unruly boys.
43Antipholus of EphesusAre you there, wife? you might have come before.
44AdrianaWithin. Your wife, sir knave! go get you from the door.
45Dromio of EphesusIf you went in pain, master, this “knave” would go sore.
46AngeloHere is neither cheer, sir, nor welcome: we would fain have either.
47BalthazarIn debating which was best, we shall part with neither.
48Dromio of EphesusThey stand at the door, master; bid them welcome hither.
49Antipholus of EphesusThere is something in the wind, that we cannot get in.
50Dromio of EphesusYou would say so, master, if your garments were thin.
Your cake there is warm within; you stand here in the cold:
It would make a man mad as a buck, to be so bought and sold.
51Antipholus of EphesusGo, fetch me something: I’ll break ope the gate.
52Dromio of SyracuseWithin. Break any breaking here, and I’ll break your knave’s pate.
53Dromio of EphesusA man may break a word with you, sir, and words are but wind,
Ay, and break it in your face, so he break it not behind.
54Dromio of SyracuseWithin. It seems thou want’st breaking: out upon thee, hind!
55Dromio of EphesusHere’s too much “out upon thee!” I pray thee, let me in.
56Dromio of SyracuseWithin. Ay, when fowls have no feathers and fish have no fin.
57Antipholus of EphesusWell, I’ll break in: go borrow me a crow.
58Dromio of EphesusA crow without feather? Master, mean you so?
For a fish without a fin, there’s a fowl without a feather:
If a crow help us in, sirrah, we’ll pluck a crow together.
59Antipholus of EphesusGo, get thee gone; fetch me an iron crow.
60BalthazarHave patience, sir; O, let it not be so!
Herein you war against your reputation
And draw within the compass of suspect
The unviolated honour of your wife.
Once this—your long experience of her wisdom,
Her sober virtue, years and modesty,
Plead on her part some cause to you unknown;
And doubt not, sir, but she will well excuse
Why at this time the doors are made against you.
Be ruled by me: depart in patience,
And let us to the Tiger all to dinner,
And about evening come yourself alone
To know the reason of this strange restraint.
If by strong hand you offer to break in
Now in the stirring passage of the day,
A vulgar comment will be made of it,
And that supposed by the common rout
Against your yet ungalled estimation
That may with foul intrusion enter in
And dwell upon your grave when you are dead;
For slander lives upon succession,
Forever housed where it gets possession.
61Antipholus of EphesusYou have prevail’d: I will depart in quiet,
And, in despite of mirth, mean to be merry.
I know a wench of excellent discourse,
Pretty and witty, wild and yet, too, gentle:
There will we dine. This woman that I mean,
My wife—but, I protest, without desert—
Hath oftentimes upbraided me withal:
To her will we to dinner. To Angelo. Get you home
And fetch the chain; by this I know ’tis made:
Bring it, I pray you, to the Porpentine;
For there’s the house: that chain will I bestow—
Be it for nothing but to spite my wife—
Upon mine hostess there: good sir, make haste.
Since mine own doors refuse to entertain me,
I’ll knock elsewhere, to see if they’ll disdain me.
62AngeloI’ll meet you at that place some hour hence.
63Antipholus of EphesusDo so. This jest shall cost me some expense. Exeunt.