ARKCODEX
Act III, Scene 3
1A room in Ford’s house, hung with arras; stairs leading to a gallery; a large open hearth; three doors, one with windows right and left opening into the street.
2Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.
3Mistress FordCalls. What, John! what, Robert!
4Mistress PageQuickly, quickly:—Is the buck-basket—
5Mistress FordI warrant. What, Robin, I say!
6Enter Servants with a basket.
7Mistress PageImpatient. Come, come, come.
8Mistress FordHere, set it down. They do so.
9Mistress PageGive your men the charge; we must be brief.
10Mistress FordMarry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brew-house; and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and, without any pause or staggering, take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet-Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side.
11Mistress PageYou will do it?
12Mistress FordI have told them over and over; they lack no direction. Be gone, and come when you are called.
13Exeunt Servants.
14Mistress PageHere comes little Robin.
15Enter Robin.
16Mistress FordHow now, my eyas-musket! what news with you?
17RobinMy Master Sir John is come in at your backdoor, Mistress Ford, and requests your company.
18Mistress PageYou little Jack-a-Lent, have you been true to us?
19RobinAy, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here, and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty, if I tell you of it; for he swears he’ll turn me away.
20Mistress PageThou’rt a good boy; this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee, and shall make thee a new doublet and hose. I’ll go hide me.
21Mistress FordDo so. Go tell thy master I am alone.
22Exit Robin.
23Mistress Page, remember you your cue.
24Mistress PageI warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me.
25Exit Mistress Page, leaving door ajar.
26Mistress FordGo to, then; we’ll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery pumpion; we’ll teach him to know turtles from jays.
27Enter Falstaff.
28Falstaff“Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?” Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough: this is the period of my ambition: O this blessed hour!
29Mistress FordO, sweet Sir John! They embrace.
30FalstaffMistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish; I would thy husband were dead. I’ll speak it before the best lord, I would make thee my lady.
31Mistress FordI your lady, Sir John! Alas, I should be a pitiful lady.
32FalstaffLet the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond; thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant, or any tire of Venetian admittance.
33Mistress FordA plain kerchief, Sir John; my brows become nothing else; nor that well neither.
34FalstaffBy the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so: thou wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait in a semi-circled farthingale. I see what thou wert, if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend. Come, thou canst not hide it.
35Mistress FordBelieve me, there’s no such thing in me.
36FalstaffWhat made me love thee? Let that persuade thee there’s something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawthorn-buds that come like women in men’s apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple-time; I cannot; but I love thee, none but thee; and thou deservest it.
37Mistress FordDo not betray me, sir; I fear you love Mistress Page.
38FalstaffThou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a limekiln.
39Mistress FordWell, heaven knows how I love you; with meaning and you shall one day find it.
40FalstaffKeep in that mind; I’ll deserve it.
41Mistress FordNay, I must tell you, so you do; with meaning or else I could not be in that mind.
42RobinWithin. Mistress Ford! Mistress Ford! here’s Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently.
43FalstaffShe shall not see me; I will ensconce me behind the arras.
44Mistress FordPray you, do so; she’s a very tattling woman.
45Falstaff hides himself.
46Reenter Mistress Page and Robin.
47What’s the matter? How now!
48Mistress PageSeeming breathless. O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You’re shamed, you are overthrown, you are undone forever!
49Mistress FordWhat’s the matter, good Mistress Page?
50Mistress PageO well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion!
51Mistress FordWhat cause of suspicion?
52Mistress PageWhat cause of suspicion? Out upon you! how am I mistook in you!
53Mistress FordWhy, alas, what’s the matter?
54Mistress PageYour husband’s coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house, by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence: you are undone.
55Mistress FordAside. Speak louder. ’Tis not so, I hope.
56Mistress PagePray heaven it be not so that you have such a man here! but ’tis most certain your husband’s coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life forever.
57Mistress FordWhat shall I do?—There is a gentleman, my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame as much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house.
58Mistress PageFor shame! never stand “you had rather” and “you had rather”: your husband’s here at hand; bethink you of some conveyance; in the house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a basket; if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking: or—it is whiting-time—send him by your two men to Datchet-Mead.
59Mistress FordHe’s too big to go in there. What shall I do?
60FalstaffComing forward. Let me see’t, let me see’t. O, let me see’t! I’ll in, I’ll in; follow your friend’s counsel; I’ll in.
61Mistress PageWhat, Sir John Falstaff! In his ear. Are these your letters, knight?
62FalstaffI love thee and none but thee; help me away: let me creep in here. I’ll never—
63Voices heard in the street without. He gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen.
64Mistress PageHelp to cover your master, boy. Call your men, Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight!
65Mistress FordCalling. What, John! Robert! John!
66Robin hastily thrusts the remainder of the linen into the basket and runs off.
67Reenter Servants.
68Go, take up these clothes here, quickly; where’s the cowl-staff? Look how you drumble! They pass a pole through the handle of the basket. Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-Mead; they hoist the basket, staggering quickly, come.
69Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
70FordPray you come near. If I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me, then let me be your jest; I deserve it. How now, whither bear you this?
71ServantTo the laundress, forsooth.
72Mistress FordWhy, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing.
73FordBuck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear.
74Exeunt Servants with the basket.
75Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight; I’ll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers; search, seek, find out. I’ll warrant we’ll unkennel the fox. Goes to outer door. Let me stop this way first. Locking the door. So, now uncape.
76PageGood Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much.
77FordTrue, Master Page. Up, gentlemen, you shall see sport anon … Mounts the stairs. Follow me, gentlemen.
78They hesitate. Exit Ford.
79Sir Hugh EvansThis is fery fantastical humours and jealousies.
80Doctor CaiusBy gar, ’tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France.
81PageNay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search.
82Exeunt Sir Hugh Evans, Page, and Doctor Caius.
83Mistress PageIs there not a double excellency in this?
84Mistress FordI know not which pleases me better, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John.
85Mistress PageWhat a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket!
86Mistress FordI am half afraid he will have need of washing; so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit.
87Mistress PageHang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain were in the same distress.
88Mistress FordI think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff’s being here, for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now.
89Mistress PageI will lay a plot to try that, and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine.
90Mistress FordShall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water, and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment?
91Mistress PageWe will do it; let him be sent for tomorrow eight o’clock, to have amends.
92Reenter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
93FordI cannot find him: may be the knave bragged of that he could not compass.
94Mistress PageAside to Mistress Ford. Heard you that?
95Mistress FordAside to Mistress Page. Ay, ay, peace.—
96You use me well, Master Ford, do you?
97FordAy, I do so.
98Mistress FordHeaven make you better than your thoughts!
99FordAmen!
100Mistress PageYou do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford.
101FordAy, ay; I must bear it.
102Sir Hugh EvansIf there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment!
103Doctor CaiusBe gar, nor I too; there is no bodies.
104PageFie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha’ your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle.
105Ford’Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it.
106Sir Hugh EvansYou suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is as honest a ’omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too.
107Doctor CaiusBy gar, I see ’tis an honest woman.
108FordWell, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in the Park: I pray you pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this. Come, wife, come, Mistress Page; I pray you pardon me; takes their hands pray heartily, pardon me.
109Exeunt Mistress Ford and Mistress Page.
110PageTo the others. Let’s go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we’ll mock him. I do invite you tomorrow morning to my house to breakfast; after, we’ll a-birding together; I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so?
111FordAnything.
112Sir Hugh EvansIf there is one, I shall make two in the company.
113Doctor CaiusIf there be one or two, I shall make-a the turd.
114FordPray you go, Master Page.
115Exeunt Ford and Page.
116Sir Hugh EvansI pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on the lousy knave, mine host.
117Doctor CaiusDat is good; by gar, with all my heart.
118Sir Hugh EvansA lousy knave! to have his gibes and his mockeries!
119Exeunt.