ARKCODEX
Act IV, Scene 2
1A room in Ford’s house; the buck-basket in a corner.
2Enter Falstaff and Mistress Ford.
3FalstaffMistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up my sufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love, and I profess requital to a hair’s breadth; not only, Mistress Ford, in the simple office of love, but in all the accoutrement, complement, and ceremony of it. But are you sure of your husband now?
4Mistress FordHe’s a-birding, sweet Sir John.
5Mistress PageWithin. What ho! gossip Ford, what ho!
6Mistress FordOpening a door. Step into the chamber, Sir John.
7Exit Falstaff, leaving the door ajar.
8Enter Mistress Page.
9Mistress PageHow now, sweetheart! who’s at home besides yourself?
10Mistress FordWhy, none but mine own people.
11Mistress PageIndeed!
12Mistress FordNo, certainly.—Aside to her. Speak louder.
13Mistress PageTruly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
14Mistress FordWhy?
15Mistress PageWhy, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again. He so takes on yonder with my husband; so rails against all married mankind; so curses all Eve’s daughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffets himself on the forehead, crying “Peer out, peer out!” that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed but tameness, civility, and patience, to this his distemper he is in now. I am glad the fat knight is not here.
16Mistress FordWhy, does he talk of him?
17Mistress PageOf none but him; and swears he was carried out, the last time he searched for him, in a basket; protests to my husband he is now here; and hath drawn him and the rest of their company from their sport, to make another experiment of his suspicion. But I am glad the knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.
18Mistress FordHow near is he, Mistress Page?
19Mistress PageHard by, at street end; he will be here anon.
20Mistress FordI am undone! the knight is here.
21Mistress PageWhy, then, you are utterly shamed, and he’s but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away with him, away with him! better shame than murder.
22Falstaff peers forth from the chamber.
23Mistress FordWhich way should he go? How should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again?
24Reenter Falstaff.
25FalstaffNo, I’ll come no more i’ the basket. May I not go out ere he come?
26Mistress PageAlas! three of Master Ford’s brothers watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?
27FalstaffWhat shall I do? I’ll creep up into the chimney.
28Mistress FordThere they always use to discharge their birding-pieces.
29Mistress PageCreep into the kiln-hole.
30FalstaffWhere is it?
31Mistress FordHe will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.
32FalstaffAt bay. I’ll go out then.
33Mistress PageIf you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John. Unless you go out disguised—
34Mistress FordHow might we disguise him?
35Mistress PageAlas the day! I know not! There is no woman’s gown big enough for him; otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape.
36FalstaffGood hearts, devise something: any extremity rather than a mischief.
37Mistress FordMy maid’s aunt, the fat woman of Brainford, has a gown above.
38Mistress PageOn my word, it will serve him; she’s as big as he is; and there’s her thrummed hat, and her muffler too. Run up, Sir John.
39Mistress FordGo, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head.
40Mistress PageQuick, quick! we’ll come dress you straight; put on the gown the while.
41Exit Falstaff.
42Mistress FordI would my husband would meet him in this shape; he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford; he swears she’s a witch, forbade her my house, and hath threatened to beat her.
43Mistress PageHeaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
44Mistress FordBut is my husband coming?
45Mistress PageAy, in good sadness is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
46Mistress FordWe’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it as they did last time.
47Mistress PageNay, but he’ll be here presently; let’s go dress him like the witch of Brainford.
48Mistress FordI’ll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up; I’ll bring linen for him straight.
49Mistress PageHang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.
50Exit Mistress Ford.
51We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry and yet honest too.
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
’Tis old but true: “Still swine eats all the draff.”
52Exit.
53Reenter Mistress Ford, with two Servants.
54Mistress FordGo, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch.
55Exit Mistress Ford with linen from cupboard.
56First ServantCome, come, take it up.
57Second ServantPray heaven, it be not full of knight again.
58First ServantI hope not; I had lief as bear so much lead. They lift the basket.
59Enter Ford, Page, Justice Shallow, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
60FordAy, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again? The basket catches his eye. Set down the basket, villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O you panderly rascals! there’s a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be shamed. Chokes. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth! behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching!
61PageWhy, this passes, Master Ford! you are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
62Sir Hugh EvansWhy, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog.
63Justice ShallowIndeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
64FordSo say I too, sir.—
65Reenter Mistress Ford.
66Come hither, Mistress Ford, pointing the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband! She confronts him. I suspect without cause, Mistress, do I?
67Mistress FordCalm. Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty.
68FordWell said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah. Pulling clothes out of the basket in a fury.
69PageThis passes!
70Mistress FordAre you not ashamed? Let the clothes alone.
71FordI shall find you anon.
72Sir Hugh Evans’Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife’s clothes? To the others. Come away.
73FordTo the servants. Empty the basket, I say!
74Mistress FordWhy, man, why?
75FordMaster Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is; my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck me out all the linen. Page assists him.
76Mistress FordIf you find a man there, he shall die a flea’s death.
77PageHere’s no man. He overturns the empty basket.
78Justice ShallowBy my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this wrongs you.
79Sir Hugh EvansMaster Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart; this is jealousies.
80FordWell, he’s not here I seek for.
81PageNo, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
82Exit Servants, carrying away the basket.
83FordHelp to search my house this one time. If I find not what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; let me forever be your table-sport; let them say of me “As jealous as Ford, that searched a hollow walnut for his wife’s leman.” Satisfy me once more; once more search with me.
84Mistress FordWhat, hoa, Mistress Page! Come you and the old woman down; my husband will come into the chamber.
85FordOld woman? what old woman’s that?
86Mistress FordWhy, it is my maid’s aunt of Brainford.
87FordA witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I not forbid her my house? She comes of errands, does she? We are simple men; we do not know what’s brought to pass under the profession of fortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells, by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyond our element. We know nothing. He takes down his cudgel from the wall. Come down, you witch, you hag you; come down, I say!
88Mistress FordNay, good sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let him not strike the old woman.
89Reenter Falstaff in woman’s clothes, led by Mistress Page. He hesitates.
90Mistress PageCome, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand.
91FordI’ll prat her.—Falstaff runs; Ford cudgels. Out of my door, you witch, you rag, you baggage, you polecat, you ronyon! Out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll fortune-tell you.
92Exit Falstaff.
93Mistress PageAre you not ashamed? I think you have killed the poor woman.
94Mistress FordNay, he will do it. ’Tis a goodly credit for you.
95FordHang her, witch!
96Sir Hugh EvansBy yea and no, I think the ’oman is a witch indeed; I like not when a ’oman has a great peard; I spy a great peard under her muffler.
97FordWill you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you follow; see but the issue of my jealousy; if I cry out thus upon no trail, never trust me when I open again.
98PageLet’s obey his humour a little further. Come, gentlemen.
99Exeunt Ford, Page, Justice Shallow, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh Evans.
100Mistress PageTrust me, he beat him most pitifully.
101Mistress FordNay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him most unpitifully methought.
102Mistress PageI’ll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o’er the altar; it hath done meritorious service.
103Mistress FordWhat think you? May we, with the warrant of womanhood and the witness of a good conscience, pursue him with any further revenge?
104Mistress PageThe spirit of wantonness is sure scared out of him; if the devil have him not in fee-simple, with fine and recovery, he will never, I think, in the way of waste, attempt us again.
105Mistress FordShall we tell our husbands how we have served him?
106Mistress PageYes, by all means; if it be but to scrape the figures out of your husband’s brains. If they can find in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knight shall be any further afflicted, we two will still be the ministers.
107Mistress FordI’ll warrant they’ll have him publicly shamed; and methinks there would be no period to the jest, should he not be publicly shamed.
108Mistress PageCome, to the forge with it then; shape it. I would not have things cool.
109Exeunt.