ARKCODEX
Act I, Scene 3
1A room in the Garter Inn.
2Enter Falstaff, Host, Bardolph, Nym, Pistol, and Robin.
3FalstaffSets down his cup of sack. Mine host of the Garter!
4HostTurns. What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
5FalstaffTruly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
6HostDiscard, bully Hercules; cashier; let them wag; trot, trot.
7FalstaffI sit at ten pounds a week.
8HostThou’rt an emperor, Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap; said I well, bully Hector?
9FalstaffDo so, good mine host.
10HostI have spoke; let him follow. To Bardolph. Let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a word; follow.
11Exit Host.
12FalstaffBardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade; an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered serving-man a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
13BardolphIt is a life that I have desired; I will thrive.
14PistolO base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield?
15Exit Bardolph.
16NymHe was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited?
17FalstaffI am glad I am so acquit of this tinderbox: his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer—he kept not time.
18NymThe good humour is to steal at a minim’s rest.
19Pistol“Convey” the wise it call. “Steal!” foh! A fico for the phrase!
20FalstaffWell, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
21PistolWhy, then, let kibes ensue.
22FalstaffThere is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
23PistolYoung ravens must have food.
24FalstaffWhich of you know Ford of this town?
25PistolI ken the wight; he is of substance good.
26FalstaffMy honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
27PistolTwo yards, and more.
28FalstaffNo quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife; I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation; I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
29PistolHe hath studied her will, and translated her will out of honesty into English.
30NymThe anchor is deep; will that humour pass?
31FalstaffNow, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse; he hath a legion of angels.
32PistolAs many devils entertain; and “To her, boy,” say I.
33NymThe humour rises; it is good; humour me the angels.
34FalstaffI have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
35PistolThen did the sun on dunghill shine.
36NymI thank thee for that humour.
37FalstaffO! she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here’s another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheator to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. To Pistol. Go, bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; To Nym. and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
38PistolShall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? then Lucifer take all!
39NymI will run no base humour. Here, take the humour-letter; I will keep the haviour of reputation.
40They throw letters on the table.
41FalstaffRising. To Robin. Hold, sirrah; bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
Trudge, plod away o’ hoof; seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humour of this age;
French thrift, you rogues; myself, and skirted page.
42Exeunt Falstaff and Robin.
43PistolLet vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
And high and low beguile the rich and poor;
Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
44NymI have operations in my head which be humours of revenge.
45PistolWilt thou revenge?
46NymBy welkin and her star!
47PistolWith wit or steel?
48NymWith both the humours, I:
I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
49PistolAnd I to Ford shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
50NymMy humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humour.
51PistolThou art the Mars of malcontents; I second thee; troop on.
52Exeunt.